So last year, I promised myself to enter 2019 with a new start. New job, new me, new heart. Stand with broad smile, keep the head high, moving on. Left the last job, left my education stage, left my thoughts about you.
I thought I've been stupid and crazy, all of my doing lately was unnecessary. And I need a clean slate. It was coming, and I thought I was ready. New challenge, new people, new environment, new attitude. Let's do this, I said to myself.
I fail. Hard.
Look, acting strong is hard. But crying all over again and beating myself up to it is also hard. I'm tired. So why not be oblivious, right? I could be okay. You were a big part of my life, sure, but I can move on. I can. I screamed in my head. I can move forward!
But today I realize I cannot. Just one glimpse of you, and the damage is done. Just like that, in that split second. What is wrong with me, maybe you ask to yourself. To be honest, I don't know. I know this is not healthy. I know I have to let go. I know time will heal. I know we are not destined to be together. Shit, you, or anyone else, do not have to tell me that over and over. I am not a moron.
It's just, I don't know how.
So today I will drown in my sorrow. I don't know till when. I don't know if I will come back to the surface again. Screw un-hurt heart and sincere smile. It's just a bunch of lies.
I will be happy that you are happy, someday. But not today.
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